The Altered Beast

a video I made

2010-11-15T18:20:00.000-04:00

There's this monthly show called Anecdotal Evidence in Williamsburg, Brooklyn that my friends Gabe Pacheco & Charlie Kasov run. Instead of having a host, they have comics make short videos to bring themselves to the stage. Awesome show. I did kind of a day-in-the-life type thing. Here it is, hope you enjoy.

I've been doing a bunch of standup, so sorry about the lack of updates here. Here's some of that action:

Comedy as a Second Language has been going really well, thanks to everyone who has been coming out to support the shows.

The feature-length indie zombie-comedy movie in which I acted has just been released in Japan. Go get it, suckah, especially if your dvd player can play all regions. Was gonna link to the site, but I can't find it, soooo good luck with all that!

holy shit balls(ack)

2010-07-11T19:31:00.000-04:00

Ok, everyone, I'm gonna totally tone it down now that I know that some very important people are now checkin' out ye olde bloggity blog. Will keep bumhole references to an absolute minimum (of ten or so per post).

Got a letter from my grandmother, completely keeping me abreast of familial concerns. She really is an amazing lady-- she and her twin sister are the matriarchs of matriarchs. Respect. At the end of her last letter, she was all like "we miss you, you should come back (to Baton Rouge) soon... remember, you're a SOUTHERN BOY." Funny how I miss my family and Southern Louisiana, but I still feel like the South can suck a fat one--hospitality? Sure. Keep the xenophobia & homophobia & agoraphobia (!?) and everything else. I recall having been raised on poptarts and Ninja Turtles. Blissfully/unknowingly having played in the aisles of Wal-Mart. Mama's Family & The Highlander. Saved By the Bell. Sure, I read Longfellow's Evangeline. I've taken an airboat tour of a swamp or two. Spent a tremendous lot of time in New Orleans & surrounding areas-- actually, I'm fairly-well versed in my great state's unique and fascinating history. But a Southern Boy? Perhaps a recovering suburban retard, at best--then during my college years adopting the position of world-citizen. It's a world view to which I still adhere, enjoying New York while I can-- it's the world capitol, after all, and ought to stay that way 'til 2027 or so when Bejing takes the title and United Staters resort to civil war & cannibalism (The Road!!! holy shit....), etc. Until then, sex, drugs & heavy bass and/or rock n' roll! Holler. More soon. With links n' all that. Maybe.

lovingly,
ccc
--sent from the cell--

...on the mobile front

2010-06-22T17:03:00.001-04:00

What's up, folks? As of yet no one has offered to make my aforementioned movie, so I guess I'll go back to posting the usual nonsense. Right now I'm updating ye olde blog from my iPhone w/ a wireless bluetooth keyboard. I know, FANCY! It's not exactly a netbook or an iPad, but it'll do for now.

So the CSL Three-Year Anniversary show was super-sick. FIVE-HOUR marathon show! Sean hosted the first half, I hosted the second... the back lounge was packed almost the entire time, plus there were nearly 100 comics just hanging out, helping us celebrate. Here's a list of the performers: Jim Gaffigan, Todd Barry, John Mulaney, Myq Kaplan, Ted Alexandro, Seth Herzog, Yannis Pappas, Matt McCarthy, Ophira Eisenberg, Sam Morril, Morgan Murphy, Rojo Perez, Phil Hanley, Sean O'Connor, MURDERFIST, plus a couple more... it was completely ridiculous! Thanks to everyone who came out and supported the show! Great times... even if TimeOut NY has it in for us, we're still going strong!

My Dad has recently gotten online, which is awesome. We Skyped and drank a beer together this past Sunday, which was sooo much fun. Here's a little belated Father's Day shoutout:
Sonny Calloway is by far and away one of the greatest people I've ever met--he will do anything for anybody, and is the original Altered Beast. Splittin' V's before xmas dinner? Check. Teaching me to smoke on the go by pretending to wash a vehicle at the carwash? Check. Hell, even BEFORE all that goodness, I recall having inquired about Mary Jane when I was 14 or 15, because the smell of this allegedly dangerous drug my friends were starting to enjoy brought me back to being a toddler wondering what exactly was so pungent in my Dad's Tupperware container. His reply: "Well, son, that's marijuana. Now I'm not saying YOU should smoke it, but people do. And just a little bit is all right-- so long as it doesn't affect the way you do your job or treat your family n' friends, then just a little bit here or there is ok. Like eatin' a Valium every once in a while or a havin' a few beers after work--ain't no big deal. However, there are life-ruinin' drugs. Don't ever do nuthin' with needles--lost some good friends to that stuff, you should steer clear. Now, you'll probably run into cocaine, too--that stuff is bad for you. Of course in the 80's everybody was doing it, lots of it around. But it's a bad idea, it'll mess up you sinuses, it's too easy to get hooked on and it's damned expensive... but a little bit of grass, it ain't too bad, but it's all about yer responsibilities."
Notably, he didn't say anything about prescription speed or psychedelics, two of my favorite Altered Beast inspirations. Hmmm... Either way, I've always appreciated his early call for moderation. Dad, I love you!

--sent from the cell--

Aliens VS Predator VS Terminator VS Mutant Ninja Turtles

2010-05-06T16:08:00.000-04:00

All right, someone make this movie already!
Present day, New York City:
--Three Alien eggs find their way into the NYC sewer system, the facehuggers implant embryos in three of the four Mutant Ninja Turtles (no longer teenagers!). Michelangelo is the only Turtle left.
--A female Predator (breasts & longer dreadlocks!)--upset with the patriarchal/hunting Predator society--goes to NYC to hunt for a trophy to prove her worth to her male counterparts. It looks like she's hunting Ninja Turtles.
--A Terminator (T-800) appears, hellbent on destroying the three turtle-Aliens (Turtalien?) because, in the Skynet-ruled future, the Aliens are mucking up their robot shit or whatever.
--Michelango, ever the party dude, gets the Predator super-stoned and, instead of fighting, they end up hooking up.
--The Predator wants to hunt the Terminator because it would make a sweet trophy, but the Terminator just wants to destroy the Aliens-- as does Michelango because they killed his buddies, but is having a hard time because the Aliens kind of look kind of like them. Right when the Predator is able to provoke the Terminator into fighting, the Aliens show up.
--A battle royale ensues featuring all of the above, plus cameo appearances by both Spiderman and Wolverine who work together to kill one of the Aliens and nearly kill the Predator, too, but Michelangelo manages to stop them. One of the Alien's acid blood gets all over Wolverine's adamantium claws, but instead of eating through 'em, it just makes his claws acidic on top of already being razor sharp.
--Right when the last Alien is about to get it (from a teary-eyed Michelangelo), a huge, fierce QUEEN Alien bursts in and they all have to work together to kill her in a battle that starts in some huge underground cavern but ends in... Times Square? Maybe the Grand Central Terminal.
--The Predator takes out the Terminator for her prized trophy, then starts makin' out with Michelangelo. Also, Spiderman and Wolverine start making out (surprise!). Weylend-Yutani comes in and quickly removes the queen Alien's carcass to take to its bioweaponry division. The Predator ship arrives--all the Predators are impressed (& have clearly visible Predator boners), but the lady Predator decides to stay on Earth with Michelangelo (on the condition they move out of the sewer get a real place).
--Before they leave, Michelangelo trades the Predators a few ounces of pot for some nunchucks that can turn invisible like the Predators' other gear, sparking an eventual civil war within the Predator society because the infiltration of marijuana into the Predator society creates a whole generation of Predators that don't give a shit about trying to prove themselves through hunting.

OK, get to it!

Been A While Since I Rapped At Ya...

2010-02-24T22:18:00.000-04:00

What's up, peeps? My last update was in Nov 2009. Nothing has happened between then and now, so don't sweat it. That bruise pictured below got worse, though, and finally healed last week.

The comedy has been going swell. In January I produced a show in the BR called "L is for Laughter," which went well enough despite inclement weather. Both my Dad and my brother appeared in some of the promo videos, which were completely ridiculous. Later in January (back in NYC), the three-year anniversary of Taint Comedy Great? (also my 30th bday celebration) was an insane blast--just a killer show. Also, a few weeks ago I got to bring Janeane Garofalo to the stage at CSL, which was amazing. Those weekly shows have been so badass. My co-producer, Sean Patton, was actually on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and totally crushed. After Sean's set, Fallon walked on to the stage and plugged the weekly show "Thursdays at Kabin in the East Village on Second Avenue and Fifth Street" or something to that effect. Sweet. Also, we have a new(er) promo video, a second one. Check it out here.

Also, I got a Nintendo DS Lite for Xmas, and snow boots. For one of the two I bought a cartridge to play downloaded/emulated games. The modern equivalent of Tetris Attack? Check. The New Super Mario Bros? Check. Tetris DS? Check. Modern Warfare 2!?!? Check. Not as good as say, XBox360 or PS3, but hey, beggars can't be whiney gamers. Also, and don't judge me, but I loaded up the Little Mermaid game. The game is fucking stupid, but I found this bit of dialogue hilarious:

Indeed!

Finally, this past Monday I hosted a benefit this past Saturday for my friend's theater company (and Haiti, too, via the Red Cross), ArtEffects. I did my fifteen minutes on the front end and then hosted/emceed for like, five hours. Great times, lots of exceptionally talented performers throughout the evening. I was altered, for sure (especially by the end)... the lovely/talented photographer Whitney Arostegui was there snappin' some pics. Here are two of me.

Cheers, folks!

my vicious bruise

2009-11-14T11:55:00.001-04:00

"Yeah, I think I fell off a barstool?"

--sent from the cell--

Hey Hey

2009-11-03T03:52:00.001-04:00

All right. So let's not be coy, all right? It's been a while. I wish I had some huge, awesome news to reveal here. Hmm. Well. Not so much. Alive & breathing? Yes, yes. Hasn't been entirely undocumented, yet forward we go, here or otherwise (see Facebook mobile uploads, Twitter).

I've been busy doing a bunch of standup the last two months, service industrying it fives days a week day (serving, plus bartending on one of those shifts...). Went to Atlanta to visit family. Had some friends visit, too.

How about this one? We did the research, and it turns out there aren't enough podcasts on the internet. Basically, you can listen to some of what I would maybe write right here if I had more time and/or a functional netbook (or iPhone keyboard peripheral? *fingers crossed!*). My roommate, New Orleans' own Trey Monaghan (III!), and I have started a weekly/bi-weekly podcast, Dos Cubanos. It's just us, eating lunch (two Cuban sandwiches) at our favorite diner near our apartment in Ridgewood, Queens. We chew the fat while chewing the fat over the week's events. So yeah, if you've missed the sound of my masculine voice and/or are bored, give Dos Cubanos a listen.

Have been writing more, which has been going well enough. More on that soon--or video of standup, at the very least. Next Taint Comedy Great? tentatively scheduled for Fri, November 20th... Me and Sean's weekly show at Kabin, Comedy as a Second Language, has been killin' it, which is great. New promo video exporting as I type! (edited by yours truly--ie, shitty!) Save a night or two here n' there, my hosting has improved. Besides doing a bunch of booked shows (and open mics) over the last couple months, I've also been guest-hosting a weekly show for my friend, the inspiringly talented Yannis Pappas (he was on tour in the Scandinavian countries), at a beautiful little room in Park Slope--the chilled-out lounge of the classy French bistro, Belleville. Yannis' co-producer, the nuts n' bolts fantastic, Frank "The Banterer" Gallo, has been in there week in and week out, as well, keeping things running smoothly. Out of the five or six I hosted, only a couple were light attendance-wise--overall it ended up being a very positive experience. Big up to Sunny, the bartender, too.

Was getting my last outdoorsy sportishness in before we ran out of good weather here. Despite my busted-up foot, I tried to organize a mid-week weekly game with other comics in Manhattan. My days off have been Wednesday & Thursday, creating a bizarre mid-week Saturday & Sunday situation. So on Wednesdays around 3PM, we've been playing at these courts at First Ave & 16th Street. Stuy-Town, which is basically a 1940's urban renewal, planned neighborhood, has really nice courts... not just nets (a rarity where I usually play in Brooklyn), but glass backboards! Bathrooms?? Er... surely there's a Starbucks somewhere nearby.

A few weeks ago, I was shooting around out there and my ball got stuck in the net, which I thought looked crazy.

Also, I was high.

So that happened. I've been enjoying the photo editor on my iPhone, no doubt (though that second pic involved iPhone, Photoshop, mushrooms, & lube). Good times playin' basketball. Have even played a couple times with Tom McCaffrey, who is one of my favorite comics. Despite the fact we're both huge ballers, we've been beaten at 2-on-2 by both a team of Black kids & Asian dudes. To be fair, our game against the black kids was after we had already played like, an exhausting three or four games, plus at least one of the two kids was really athletic... honestly, even the chubby one was hustlin'. And the Asian dudes? Well, they were pretty badass. We were dead-even matched up with them size-wise (Tom is 6'0 maybe?), but they just exploded. Whatchya gonna do?

Have also been enjoying some yoga at Yoga To The People in the East Village. Donation-based, super-chilled out. Less prone to interference from Mother Nature (seriously, it rained three or four bball Wednesdays in a row!), plus much easier on my body (esp my foot).

There are probably some other amazing things going on that I'm sure the general public is just clamoring to read. How about that "Public Option", huh? Wait, what? That's not about sex outdoors? *Yawn*

Oh,

So I saw this guy in the Starbucks next to where I work, and there was this transient/homeless guy. Amongst all his bags n' things, including a single cup of coffee he'd been working through slowly, I assume, he had a tiny, white, portable dvd player--half-held together with duct tape-- propped up on the table... watching Aliens. The director's cut of Aliens. At first I was engrossed by the movie, then I realized it was the director's cut, and then I realized I realized it was the director's cut, and then right when the first facehuggers in the vats that Ripley & co run into in the medlab and one lunges at Burke's (Paul Riser's) face is right at the same time I realized the guy didn't have any shoes plus some sort of insane foot infection but I still wanted to sit there and watch the rest of the movie with him anyway, foot infection & table-waiting to be done be damned!

--It was at that moment that I feared that one day, if I wasn't careful, I would be this guy. Perhaps I'm really only six really bad weeks away from being the weird guy on the train who, before pooping his pants, rants about The Corporation's greedy & morally reprehensible attempts at capturing xenomorhps for its biowarfare division. Maybe five-and-a-half weeks, tops. I mean, I knew it was the director's cut, goddamit!

Halloween was crazy. More on that soon, too. Maybe-ish.

From a rooftop in Brooklyn, er, Queens...

2009-10-21T23:06:00.000-04:00

You said something that was really important.
You said something that I've never forgotten.

Haven't Updated in a While...

2009-10-17T17:52:00.000-04:00

...but promise to do so soon!

new camera

2009-09-15T04:16:00.000-04:00

I have a new photo takin' machine, so watch out!

a couple new videos...

2009-09-09T21:22:00.003-04:00

Some guys I work with at the restaurant asked me to referee a basketball game for them. Actually, Enrique asked me, because he's much smaller than the massive Dio (aka Grande). They're always talking all kinds of noise to each other in the kitchen (and as heated as the occasional uncomfortable yelling match during the rush). The smaller, faster Enrique (Hecho in Mexico) vs Grande (de the Dominican Republic). We recorded some of the pre-game predictions and highlights of the game, which I edited. Here ya go.

Also, I shot a video for HowCast, which is a site with a bunch of how to videos. I appear alongside my friend and fellow comic, Jessie Richardson, shot n' edited by the Arthur Carlson & Kurt Vegas. How To Take a Relationship Break, indeed.

How To Take a Relationship Break on Howcast

2009-07-27T16:46:00.003-04:00

What's up, people?

All right, lets be real... what's up, one person?

Fine: total honesty time... what's up, me?

Pretty cool shit, really. Was in this video with Tom McCaffrey, Carolyn Castiglia & Mara Herron. It's a hip hop video pimpin' a new summer song, Summer Jam. I'm not in it a tremendous lot, but in the dance line at the end I do the worm (not to be confused with the caterpillar), which is pretty sweet.

Satanic Fireworks

2009-07-04T01:30:00.001-04:00

Scariest fireworks packaging EVER, for my Xtian high school friends.

anxiety-laden table-waiting dreams

2009-06-04T11:54:00.002-04:00

__Recently I've had a few terrible service industry dreams (I can't bring myself to call 'em nightmares). Most servers have 'em, most of 'em are along the lines of "I keep getting sat with more and more tables and by the time I go to even greet the table they're super-pissed off..." And/or there's not enough support staff like bussers/runners/service bartenders, etc, that slow a server down from working at maximum efficiency. Anyway, the dreams are obnoxious and recently I've had two pretty vivid ones featuring the same horrible white lady.

__She wasn't in the first one all that much, but I was having the classic "can't get to all my tables in time" dream, every table needed something and it was impossible to reach everyone at once. I must have been tossing and turning because my girlfriend nudged me. I woke up instantly, sitting up in bed-- she was like, "Are you OK, can I do anything for you?" I thought about it for a few seconds before asking, "Could you please pour water on table 30?"

__This second one happened last night. In my dream I was "guest serving" at a family-run Cajun place (much like the one I go to here in NYC that flies up Louisiana crawfish, Mara's Homemade, but larger). I didn't know the menu, or the seat numbers, where they kept the silverware or any of the bullshit one has to be on point about when waiting tables... but there I was, getting sat, trying to wing it on personality alone. A friendly server can get away with being a dumbass (or saying some truly outrageous shit--I have another post on here somewhere about all that...), but not with every customer. Sure 'nuff, I had this six-top come in, a family, and the mother was that same woman from table 30. Taking her order took nearly ten minutes while I could see more tables getting sat all around me. Not knowing what was and wasn't on the menu required going back and forth to and from their table to the kitchen to talk to the chef for all the special, off-menu orders, modifications, etc. Chefs love it when you change their menu, too, in case you were wondering. So that was a major hassle... and then their food arrived all wrong, just a disaster. To her credit, this woman didn't send anything back, she decided to eat the food that had arrived with a passive aggressive frown, but not before saying she needed some super-specific kind of sauce and mashed potatoes (me: "We have mashed potatoes?"). Infuriated, I said something like, "Ma'am, I'm going to get what you need to enjoy your meal, but you have to understand you're being quite difficult, with all the special orders, the sauce, everything..." Her eyes started to glow bright white with unbridled anger, but I was already walking away towards the kitchen.
__Miraculously I managed to wake up right then, 9:30am. Instead of going back to sleep, I figured the most passive aggressive thing I could do was stay awake so this lady would never get her sauce & mashed potatoes, thus be unable to eat her food. So, HA! I WIN! All morning it felt like I quit a job in mid-shift, like this c-u-n-t is somewhere soooo pissed off, yelling at some poor manager like, "He was rude to me and then walked away and never came back!" Suck it, lady, suck it.

__It's true, though, that--in my experience--white women are the most likely to request some kind of special bullshit. Saturday n' Sunday brunch: filled with self-important white women. Is there a competition to modify menu items? Here's a brunch order I took from this white-woman circa fall of '08 (and then I'll end this godforsaken post):
__"Hmm, I don't see anything like this on the menu, but could you make a special omelette for me? Within reason, huh? Hmm, ok... I want a cheese, spinach, mushroom, tomato, onion omelette--but I want the onions diced and then sauteed... what type of mushrooms are those? Oh, that won't do--you don't have portabello mushrooms? Alright, alright, forget the mushrooms. Shitaake? Hmm. Asparagus, too, but on the side. Cheddar cheese, please. No cheddar? Only gruyere? I see goat cheese on the menu, I can't have that? For how much extra? Hmm... Really, no cheddar... American? Ok, I'll take the gruyere. How many eggs are in that omelette? Three? I want one more, but not a whole one, like another extra half-egg. I don't want it runny, but I don't want it cooked well-done, either. That comes with toast? No? I have to order a side? Hmm... well what does it come with? A crisp potato patty? What is that? What kind of oil do they use to cook that? Could they cook it in a different oil for me? Well then I'll just have fruit instead. I can only substitue a salad, not fruit? Ok, well then I'll have a salad instead... what type of dressings do you have? Only a balsalmic? I'll have that, but on the side. Can we please get some bread for the table? Right now I'm looking at other tables with bread--oh you bring out the bread when we're done ordering, I see. Mmm--croissant! What, the croissant is extra? Fine, I'll just have the complimentary baguette, but with strawberry jam. Only raspberry? Whatever, fine. Can I do an order of half-bacon, half-sausage? Ungh, ok--bacon then, extra crispy. I should probably eat some fruit, too... do you have a fruit salad? Ok, I'll have that, but no melon if there's melon, definitely no melon. Actually, just strawberries and blueberries, if you can, but more strawberries than blueberries. Oh, don't go, I'm not done--you do eggwhites, right? I want two of the three and a half eggs to be eggwhites and I'd like that omelette scrambled. Plus we're in a hurry and could we get that bread now?"
__Of course, I was insanely busy (and top of it until her order) so it was a hassle, and the last thing a busy kitchen wants to see is an order that looks like this:
TABLE 43 Server: CHESLEY
HAM/CHEESE OMELETTE
***NO
***HAM
***$SPIN
***$ONION
***$TOMATO
***$1 EGG
***NO
***RUNNY
***SCRAMBLED
***WHITES ONLY
***SEE SERVER
***NO POTATO
***SUB SALAD
***S.O.S.
***ONSIDE:
***$ASPARAGUS
***SEAT 2
FRUIT SALAD
***SEE SERVER
***SEAT 2
BACON
***EXTRA
***WELL DONE
***SEAT 2

I was so pissed off after taking that order that I almost broke up with my girlfriend for being a white woman.

Rant: officially over!

Four Years In NYC, a Semi-Retrospective

2009-05-20T22:15:00.007-04:00

The incense is burning, I'm big sippin' on a nice, full-bodied Italian red (Barbera D'Alba...DOC), my busted-up foot is icing down and I still have a tiny-bit of some Dad-shwag left over from the most recent BR trip (could roll a joint of nuthin' but stems n' seeds, no shit).

Altered enough to post? Oh yeah.

Am I satisfied with all that I've accomplished in the last four years? Somewhat. I've met a tremendous lot of amazing people, comedians and civilians alike. I've been fortunate enough to meet (and occasionally share the stage with) some of my comedic heroes. I host, along with Sean Patton--one of comedy's finest, period-- one of the best downtown comedy shows in New York... I'm really proud of CSL. The blood sweat & tears of production pay off (most of the time) every Thurs, so that's pretty sweet.

I do many more booked shows than I did even a year ago--and my kill-ratio is much higher--so I feel like things things are at least moving in the right direction. If only I had the time & energy to write enough jokes to grind out at the open mics... (see physical exhaustion below)... Working on a decent video to send out for festival submissions. Apparently my comedy is much like it was back in BR/New Orleans '03-'05: my forte is still blue humor and personal stand-up tragedy, just with less politics/religion, more sex/drugs... I should dedicate time to writing something more universally palatable if I ever plan to get on... Live at Gotham! or fuckin' whatever. Any one of the late night shows. Any late night show. Cable access: technically "shows" "late" at "night"...must investigate...

I've waited a shit tonne of tables, that's for sure. Via some string-pulling I was able to land a job in the trendy/busy Meat Packing District my first week in the city. Partied hard, enjoyed what the city had to offer (sex/drugs/rock n' roll/sex/drugs/sex/sex/drugs/etc). Was still writing essays but wasn't doing much stand-up... had enough patient friends to do a bringer here n' there. After about two years I quit to day-job it out, but elected to maintain the server-status, not sure why I didn't try to go back to the temp-world--oh, right I rember--the office will suck out your soul. Waiting tables makes one feel like a dirty whore (I still oftentimes list my occupation as "Laughsman McFoodwhore"). At least one can sneak his/her own work on the side in an office--within reason--but there's certainly no rewriting bits while filling up glasses of water, reciting the specials, n' fetching pints of Stella all day. Also, it's physically exhausting to make the amount of money it takes to exist in New York, particularly as a comic--late shows in bar$ almost every night (and to make enough to keep Visa off my ass, too). Tendencies leaning towards alcoholism don't help reign the budget in either, my friend(s).

I believe that, at some point, there was a goal to wait less tables and attempt the hellish world of commercial acting...? something about needing new headshots? Oh, right-- I need new head shots. (extra points to anyone who's seen my embarassing ones from when I had long hair! 2x points to anyone who actually owns one! ha! *sobs*). Anyway, the service industry blows, especially when the economy is collapsing...

On a brighter note: my living situation is sssweet. I finally finally finally live with friends... seriously, like, five of 'em--four of which are in a band together--Vintage Villain. One of 'em, Tim (more family than most of my blood-related family) was even a roommate from back in the BR. Additionally awesome, we live in a beautiful apartment--it's farther out from all the action than I'd prefer but I have space for all my rat-packin' bullshit I just can't bear to throw away. Ticket stubs from '01 & '06? Really? (see way below)

After years of staying off the Digital Crack (with few exceptions--surely I've posted about the PSP debacle a few years back?), being good and only playing games socially at friends' places, a couple of weeks ago one of my roomies went out and bought a Wii... let the good times roll. Thankfully the Wii is a piece of shit only worth playing socially; I don't have to worry about nine-hour Street Fighter IV sessions or two-day Halo 3/Call of Duty fragfests... Although, after I finish this post, I might download some online version of Bomberman... hmm. And before I speak too soon, my rolled-up change might end up parlayed into Super Mario Galaxy. Perhaps I'll yet relapse.

This post is already too long, but I'll keep going. Anyone who's read up to this point ought to be on board anyway-ish (either you're reading because you love me or are curious as to how fucked up this is gonna get).

Was thinking I'd have done more comedic shorts up 'til now, like, online funny videos. I have primitive video-editing skills, so there's no reason why I couldn't post some more shit, but, again, time & energy. I'm all about contributing to any project as best I can, but my production time is fully-consumed by CSL......... I have plenty o' friends making short videos all the time but I don't get the hollah too too often, or ever. Maybe because I say "hollah."

Full-on comedic acting, however, hasn't gone as poorly. I was in a feature-length ZomCom (zombie comedy) film, though I'm personally claiming it's more of a ComZom, because it's more focused on the funny than on insane zomberiffic gore (though there's definitely some of that, too). The Eaters. June 26 release-- has already been accepted to a festival in Long Island in July, we'll see where it goes from there (only gonna get better approaching Halloween). Shooting it was, hands down, the most fun I've had since moving up here, nooo doubt.

Been to Vegas twice, a city I'd never visited before moving to New York. My first time: Porn Convention. Awards ceremony? Nope. Expo hall? Yep. Knee-deep in dildos, where I feel most comfortable, I suppose. Great times, though. The second time, Valentines Day weekend '09, was there for three nights of Puscifer--I definitely posted about this trip (sacriligeous/vagina-centric sketch comedy + industrial/lounge/rock = Mr.Show meets an electronic version of a sarcastic/dark & funny Cure???). Wow. I feel as though I've truly been welcomed into the family, though the peripheral it may be, and it means more to mean than I can express here with mere words. And the vino they're makin' in AZ makes the 2007 D'Alba I'm 3/5 of the way into look silly.

Not to lose my status as one of the "Great Serial Monogamists of the Early Twenty-First Century," for the last two years (this Monday, actually) I've been dating a lovely young lady. She's been 100% understanding and supportive of my constant case of artists' starvation, pushing the physical limits of hearing same/similar bits over and over and over.... She's a scientist working in the non-profit sector, helping injured dancers get healthcare, so we're broke together, which is nice.

So 5/20 is almost over--
--5/20, 2001 is the first time I ever came to New York, flying up for a Tool concert on their mini-tour, five days after Lateralus was released (and was #1 all over the world) in a tiny venue (Hammerstein Ballroom)-- DAVID CROSS & BRIAN POSEHN introduced them with a ridiculous sketch. I stayed with Victor, an artist I'd met in BR but knew more through mutual friends (as I was coming into my own there after he'd already moved to NYC). His place was in a yet-to-be-gentrified (ie terrifying) Greenpoint, Brookyln. I traded three sugarcubes doused in liquid LSD for a space to sleep on his floor.
--5/20, 2006 is also the date when I saw Tool at the itty-bitty theater here in NYC, City Center, five days after 10,000 Days was released (#1 in U.S. and other English-speaking countries, #1 on some Euro-rock charts... like it fuckin' matters).

So yeah, technically I may have moved to NYC earlier in May than the 20th, but the 20th is when I'll celebrate. This post is too long, it's five after midnight. 5/21. Here's to the next four years.
Love,
Chesley

Best Subway Advert Ever!

2009-05-16T05:12:00.001-04:00

Meat Soup?!

2009-05-15T15:18:00.000-04:00

"I'll take two bowls, please!"

...from an email to a friend in the Baton Rouge Chess Club

2009-04-28T18:49:00.002-04:00

Sad to hear about the "club folding" (were you making a pun on how many perfectly respectable chess players have been lost to the dark art of Texas Hold 'Em?). When I first moved here I would go out to Washington Square Park and play for small sums of money, and I'd win some, lose some (go up $15, then lose it all, etc), pretty fun, but then the regular park players would start to take it too seriously and start switching up players on the same board--so instead of racking up a $15 lead on an Indian guy, next thing you know some shady Slavic is holding all your rent money (I exaggerate, but barely). One could have argued, but let's just say their particular brand of chess etiquette was somewhat intimidating.

Here's one good one and then I'm gonna get back to work:
So I've worked in a handful of restaurants over the last few years, right-- there was one huge, beautiful three-star place with a large, internationally diverse staff. As I'm sure you've experienced countless times, when someone finds out you play chess, they immediately want to play. After going through the trouble of setting up the board it's almost always a let down because they're terrible--no strategy, poor tactics, non-existent opening knowledge, etc. It's gotten to the point where I don't bust out my set unless I know someone is above decent, and most people are not. Well, at this restaurant, which weeee'll calllll Spice Market (because it's called Spice Market) there was a fellow server, Dimitri, who happened to be from Russia. Chess comes up: "You play chess? I play chess! Let's play chess!" I replied with a quick No Thanks until about a week later I saw him on the subway... his reading material: chess problems. Hmmm, might have to bring out the ol' set after all (and I'm sure you remember my leather roll-up board & wooden pieces stuffed inside that beat up old suitcase... me circa 2000: "I made it myself" your reply: "I can tell!")
So we made it a point to play one day the next week-- we were both working doubles and had breaks in between shifts, so after working lunch we sat down in the downstairs lounge/dining area (closed to the public during lunch), which is this gorgeous, opulent lounge replete with furniture imported from Thailand, no ceiling as the space opens up to the primary ground-level dining room... all this light is filtering in... it was like setting up a chess set in the middle of some kind of dramatic movie. We decided to play game in 15 just to feel out if we needed to make adjustments. I drew white and we immediately got into the two-knights defense (as I am wont to do). After I play both Bc4 and Ng5, he doesn't know well enough to push ...d5 etc, so I ended up keeping the pressure on f7 and busting him out of the opening, not a whole lot of fun. Great, we're all set up and this what's gonna happen--he's gonna be terrible!? We quickly switched colors, reset the clock and started the second game. Feeling a little cocky from the first game, I pushed ...d5 to his e4, which he took, but then I pushed ...c6. That's an opening, right? He took, I captured with my knight... I sacrificed a pawn to develop my knight and open up the c-file and all that business... well, I should have played something a little more sound, or at the very least something I was more comfortable with because next thing I knew, we had ourselves a game. By this time the dinner shift folks started to trickle in to eat the offensively terrible family meal this place served each evening before the PM shift. The servers--mostly actors, musicians, etc, could care less. However, the bussers, a group fifteen or so strong, from places as far-flung as Bangladesh, India, Tibet, Trinidad, Haiti, Colombia, French Guiana, all gathered 'round. It came down to a bishop & rook vs knight & rook endgame, which I won (with the bishop), but barely. We were both in time-control danger territory, making it all the more fun to watch-- made me miss the Baton Rouge Chess Club so much! The bussers all wanted a piece of the action, but we had to squeeze in one more quick game before going back to work. The last game was maybe game in 10min? I don't recall it having been as dramatic or close... like I gained some positional advantage out of the opening, but nothing happened like the first game rout. Anyway, best chess game in NYC--the only one that's made me miss the game so much.
Fast-forward four years to about a month ago to the first nice day this year--everyone is in Union Square Park, just happy to be outdoors... what a release, finally! Admittedly, I was high (THC) at the time and getting ready to sit in the park and do some comedy writing. Who rollerblades up but Dimitri himself. He had a board and wanted to play, but I was high and wanted to write. I acquiesced, agreeing to play ONE game. He said he's been working on his Sicilian Dragon (even flashed me the book from his bag to prove it), so I let him play black. It's a super-close game, lots of delicate positional chess peppered with outrageous exchanges... beyond the extra pawn I managed to pry away, we came down to an otherwise dead-even rook & pawn endgame. I was able to finagle a half-tempo on the last exchange and began marching that solitary pawn down the never-so-long H-file. But then I somehow boneheadedly blundered (???) and gave him an extra move to push far enough ahead of my pawn to secure the draw! Damn you, Dimitri! Of course he was wearing that smug "I just shat out a draw" look on his face...

Crucial Blog Post

2009-04-22T12:47:00.009-04:00

__What's up, people? I may have fallen short re the promise to update this blog more often, but I believe the general public has fallen short on their end of the bargain, which, as we all know, was for more members of said general public to check out the blog. You let me down first, public!

__Hmm, so where to begin? I went to Vegas w/ RMC for three nights of Puscifer, but that was back in mid-Feb (has it been that long?). Ended up meeting some truly awesome, inspiring folks while I was there... let's just say this Taint Comedy Great? sticker in the middle of this door is backstage after the last night's performance... great times, indeed.

__In late March/early April I went back to Louisiana for a comedy mini-tour ("Slow Burn") with my friend and fellow comedian, Zach Broussard. The New Orleans show was all right, the Baton Rouge show was so-so (at best), and the Lafayette show was awesome. I'll post my set from the last stop below...

__The weekly show at Kabin, Comedy as a Second Language has been going well enough--we had awesome audiences for the last few months despite the terrible weather and general economic nose dive. However, the last couple of weeks have been off. Not sure what to make of it... The next TAINT COMEDY GREAT? will be Friday May 1st! Check out the details its Fa cebo ok event page! All-star lineup: Tom McCaffrey, Roger Hailes, Jared Logan, Ali Wong, Sean Donnelly!?!? Holy shit it's gonna be a fun one...

__I've beeeeeen Twittering, but not a lot. I read more than I post (like blogs, am I right, people?), but I'll throw something out there every once in a while: "I hit the bowl twice and lit a stick of incense with one match!" I'm kind of torn on the site as a whole, but it's so new that we're just beginning to see what fury hath been unleashed.

__Also, I have a busted up foot from playing basketball-- a 260lb black dude smashed my foot. I was afraid my second metatarsal on my right foot was fractured, but after having spent five or six hours at the hospital/clinic, x-rays are showing (somewhat inconclusively) that it's just a bad contusion (re bruise). Either way, I'm in a soft cast (just like a hard cast, but soft) for a week and can't work, so I'm not entirely sure how rent's gonna get paid. Still have some shows I'm booked on--may the drink tickets keep a comin'! And who knows, maybe this blog'll get updated another time or two!

__Oh, and for those of y'all who might be interested, I'll be doing the Naked Comedy Showcase on Saturday May 2nd. 8PM $10 at the PIT (People's Improv Theater). Holla.

For All Those Dirty Wangs Out There

2009-03-09T13:55:00.000-04:00

"I'm Drunk"

2009-03-04T18:47:00.003-04:00

A short comedic video for Victor Varnardo's monthly film festival, written and directed by David O. Rogers, featuring some friends of mine (Steve Sokolov, Shira Gregory & Jun Naito). I don't have explicit permission to post this one, so I don't know how long it'll be up [insert your own lame limp-dick joke here!].

Can I Pray For You?

2009-02-03T18:30:00.002-04:00

This afternoon I was in a coffee shop and the young woman next to me was reading a Bible. No big deal, just not a common sight here in New York, but whatever.

Anyway, as she was getting up to go, she turned to me, "I've never asked anyone this before... would it be okay if I pray for you?"

Uh, I guess-- do I look like I need prayer? I mean, I was drinking coffee and reading the New York Times Science section... definite heathen.

"Do you have anything specific you'd like me to cover?"

I didn't know what to tell her--money is impossibly tight? Or could she ask God to help get me a Live at Gotham or Montreal audition? Or do something about the
violence raging in the Middle East? I settled with a simple "I have problems sleeping." Which is true, and now that I think about it, kind of a passive aggressive request for God... like, "I can't sleep... perhaps You know why, oh omniscient God!"

She laid her hand on my shoulder and I dutifully bowed my head... she started off with a 'Dear, Father God...' which I've always thought was a weird way to address the Chrstian God... Like, 'Screw you, other two-thirds of the Holy Trinity--this prayer is for FATHER God!'

So she prayed a relatively generic prayer, which was suspiciously decent for her 'first time.' Having attended Lutheran and then Assemblies of God schools my entire life, I think I'm a decent judge (over the years I've heard way too many 'Father God's).

Anyway, she meant well enough and she was not unattractive (otherwise
I woulda said no way!). I'm sure she got a huge high from it and is probably already telling her church friends about her having been moved by the Spirit. So, wherever you are, Crystal, you're welcome!

--sent from the cell--

Wireless = Stolen

2009-01-27T21:15:00.000-04:00

COCKfighting

2008-11-25T23:45:00.006-04:00

I was just moving some stuff in my room and ran across my Grandad's wallet, which was given to me at his funeral this past May. Chesley Vickers Calloway Sr., not carrying too much stuff: a library card and a membership card to the "MILKDAIRY GAME CLUB."

Turns out the Milk Dairy Game Club was a cockfighting pit that appears to have recently been shut down... and my grandfather was a Lifetime Member, though his card looks shady like he filled out some of the info on his own. Still, he has his member number... I found this interesting article in New Orlean's Times-Picayune that features the President of the MDGC, Carter Kinchen, and cockfighting in general. Here are some excerpts:

Kinchen knows what people think about his sport. That it's barbaric. Brutal. A relic of bygone days. He knows the media loves to focus on the blood and the gore, how the roosters' talons are fitted with knifes, or gaffs, to make the fights quicker and deadlier.
__Yes! It's the media's fault for playing up the slaughtering angle!

In the restaurant that adjoins the cockpit, Kinchen points to a sign above the door advising patrons that "no whiskey, drugs or guns" are allowed on the premises, and that "vulgar language" is also banned.
__No vulgar language!? But you can't have cockfighting without the cock...

It has persisted in Louisiana, Massa said, because of a number of factors. For one, the state's climate is ideal for raising roosters. "It's just like Kentucky is for raising Thoroughbreds," Massa said.
__Because after racing, horses are forced into a pit, have blades attached to their legs, and then fight each other to the death.

__Reminds me of a fake game video game I made up then reviewed for Red Shtick Magazine one time... actually the first of the relatively short-lived series "Game of the Month." The review below is short n' shitty, but after a couple months of writing tech-related stuff the reviews themselves ended up becoming the whole column. Both the reviews and fake covers got much better (IMHO). Anyway, here 'tis, rudimentary photoshopping n' all:

Cock Fighter II: Talons of Fire Tournament Edition has earned its spot as July’s game of the month. While the single-player story mode answers the questions left open at the end of the first Cock Fighter game, the real fun is, of course, found in the versus mode. Like its predecessor, CFII:TFTE’s controls are intuitive and silky-smooth. However, it’s the new features that make this game a keeper: fully customizable spurs, a well-rounded franchise mode, a surprisingly in-depth create-a-cock mode, improved AI, and more. Putting it over the edge are the less noticeable details like the dead cocks piled up in mounds, gamblers’ overflowing spittoons, and the sound of blood spurting when your fighter’s jugular is cut. With little to no lag, even the online gaming is good. There’s no doubt, when it comes to virtual cockfighting, CFII:TFTE is the go-to game.

A Lot of Fart Noises!

2008-11-24T22:11:00.009-04:00

___Made $40 today waiting tables. Not waiting on one table, I mean like for the whole shift. Spent a fourth of that on a 2006 Malbec from Mendoza...which I'll be opening now.

___Got a ticket last Friday night for walking between subway cars. I've done it maybe two, perhaps three times since moving here almost four years ago--I could see how it could be dangerous if one was exceptionally clumsy, but not that big a deal.
___So I was trying to make a booked show on time, figured I'd walk through the train to transfer to the G line more easily. There was an undercover cop standing there--he's like "Excuse me sir." I pulled my earbud out and was like "Yeah?" He pulled out his badge and said "NYPD." I was like "Uhhh, ok. Sooo?" He informed me that it was against the law to walk between the cars. Was forced to get off at the next stop (the DeKalb stop on the L line, for everyone keeping track!) while the dude wrote me a ticket. I was infuriated, pacing. He told me that I had to stop pacing or it would be considered "aggressive behavior" which would force him to handcuff me and put me on my knees. All right, fine. So I leaned against the wall and tried my hand at passive aggression. "Sooo, Friday night on the L-train... busting perps moving between subway cars-- pretty tough beat, man." "So, how's that quota coming along? Should try rush hour--every teenager in New York City traverses the entire train a few times." "Man, there are some firefighters in my neighborhood-- what a bunch of pussies--all they do is rescue cats from trees! Now you guys, you guys are effen awesome--keeping the subway safe...from people walking... between the cars?" $75 ticket.

___I accidentally shaved off my soul patch for the first time in forever:

___A friend of mine, Ryan McKee accidentally called me Chelsea at my show last week. My response was kind of weak, considering I've had my entire life to craft a clever come back to this eventuality. Granted, I've done bits about my name before with better success, but when someone messes up my name at my show, the room's reaction is pretty funny in and of itself:

___Oh, and this is how I plan to learn Spanish...and what I watch when I'm high. This kid is fucking AMAZING! It's actually exactly how I was growing up in the Lutheran church in Louisiana, I promise.

___Talked to my dad today for the first time in months. He still lives in a friend's hunting camp because my mom totally fucked him in their divorce. Goes to show that being married to someone for 29 years doesn't mean shit. Adults can still act like greedy children. Basically we're all totally fucked. Wish I could help you, dad! But hey, with the way things are going here in nyc, I might end up being your bunk mate at the camp sooner than later! When the shit really hits the fan, we'll be that much closer to the land we'll be forced to live on....

___THE GLOBAL FOOD CRISIS: So many reasons... diversion of arable land to cultivating biofuels (by the by: filling the tank one time takes the same amount of corn that it takes to feed an African for year). Asia wants meat, too (HELLO!). Trade liberalization making countries dependent on imported food, wiping out local farms...which is bizarre considering the way Western countries subsidize the shit out of their huge agro-businesses.
So there have been riots across the globe at the skyrocketing food prices... it's crazy, really. Some analysts are even saying that the coming unrest will topple governments! So here, for your sick, twisted pleasure, are some political phrases we might hear sooner than we'd like:
--- "Are You Hungry For Change?"
--- "Change We Can Believe In, Bite Into & Digest for Nutrients. Change We Can Poop Out."
--- "I Like Ike... He Tastes Great."
--- "Give Me Lunch Or Give Me Death!"
--- "Ask Yourself: Are You Better Off Than You Were Four Years Ago... When You Weren't Resorting to Cannibalism?"

2008-11-24T15:18:00.000-04:00

The Blog of Blogs

2008-11-23T17:24:00.006-04:00

Well hello there! I'm so gonna post here waaay more often, starting NOW. That's right--NOW.

I've been busy as shite: doing a bunch of stand-up, producing and mostly hosting the weekly show at Kabin (CSL). Finally finished up the feature-length ZomCom in which I've been acting. Great times--met a lot of really awesome people. I'm sure the movie will be equal-parts funny and scary. Spring '09, I think? Anyway, I've been uploading some behind-the-scene videos on the movie's Facebook page, "The Eaters."

Oh, I bought the Comedy as a Second Language url and threw together a little site with a promo video...or proto-promo video, I should say. Still trying to make a better one... editing is hardly my area of expertise.

Still working five, sometimes six days a week at the restaurant, but it's not nearly enough. This whole "economic collapse" phenomenon is making people rethink where and when they'll dine out... like nowhere and never. So yeah, I'm totally fucked on that front. I've never been flush, but things are harder now than they've ever been. Looks like the case for a lot of people right now...

New president, though, woo woo! I would have settled for a poor white dude, but a black guy is cool, too. By this point, I feel like any change is good. I still can't stand half the voting population from '00 & '04...especially '04. Fuckin' broke my heart to see Bush reelected. I wonder how skewed the "Kids-Coming-Back-In-Body-Bags" to "Record-Oil-Company-Profits" ratio had to get before these deep south dipshits realized they'd made a huge mistake.

What else? On the Altered-front: after semi-binging for what seemed like months, I've been drinking a lot less the last few weeks. Besides not having any money, I was generally feeling quite ill, so I figured it was time to take a break. Ran out of pot, too. Managed to speed things up, which I prefer anyway. One night on stage I told my "first time doing speed" anecdote and a fellow comic threw me what must be a 30ml Adderall capsule. Only me, the king of hording and resourcefulness, could make that last two weeks. I'm not even getting fucked up--I've just been really productive... or more productive than usual, at least. It's like drinking a strong cup of coffee or something. If anything, I realize now how much I could actually benefit from a prescription for a low-dosage pharmaceutical. Any ideas out there? If I had health insurance I guess I could go to a doctor and finagle something... Hmmm, finagle isn't the right word-- it would be an honest-to-god 'scrip.

I have a new phone (an early xmas present) that allows me to get online much more easily, so maybe I'll be posting to ye olde blog more often, for reals this time! ...Some interesting pics here and there, at the very least.

Know what I'd really like? An XBox360 and a nice TV to play it on... holy shit, I've barely had a chance to play some amazing games and so many awesome ones are coming out right now.
Oh, and I'd also use that TV to watch all the great TV that's going on (and catch up on what I've missed... like The Office... I still haven't watched The Office!!!).
Or I'd just like time to update my blog once in a while... that would be cool, too. Or to call my family. Or to read a good book.

Rapture Ready

2008-09-02T17:13:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine recently forwarded me a link to this End-Times-related website, You've Been Left Behind. Basically, customers pay to have an email sent out--after The Rapture, of course--to all their friends and family who didn't make the Revelatory cut.

$40 gets you (for the first year, at least):
250mb of storage space that can go out as emails to up to 62 different email addresses. Dare I say, Whoopty Shit?

So anyway, here's what my letter would look like if I were to be Raptured away "like a thief in the night."

Dear Y'all:

HOLY SHIT! THE RAPTURE IS REALLY REAL, FOR REALS! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T! BUT SOMEHOW I MADE THE CUT!!! WOO-HOO! HOLY FUCK NUTS, THE END TIMES!

Oh, and to all you that weren't taken up in the Rapture... uhhh... sorry about that. Just remember: don't take the Mark of the Beast (666, duh!) on either your hand or your forehead. Didn't say anything in the Bible about not getting it on your taint-- just sayin'.

Did any of y'all actually happen to have recorded my Rapture? If so, would you mind posting it on YouTube for me? Just use your account and be sure to just put my name in the tags. Yeah, Chesley or Chesslee, whatever. Both? Either way. Thanks.

Good luck with the Trials & Tribulations, the Seven Seals and all that jazz.

Probably see y'all on the Final Day of Judgement!

Lates,

Chesley Clay Calloway

ps-- I still have about 249.9mb to burn... so attached is some of my favorite, most-jerked-off-to porn. Enjoy!

And then there would be exactly 249.9mb of porn.

El_Blue.jpg

2008-08-15T13:33:00.000-04:00

Apparently this is the kinda thing one sees after being in the airport for 13+ hours. $4 Red Bulls, holla!

What's Been Up

2008-07-17T01:52:00.004-04:00

I've been busy busy lately, but here's just a sliver of what's been up:

Recorded some commentary for the show fnMTV--busted on a Doughtry video. I don't have a way to see which comments they used (if any). Hopefully some of my peeps dvr'd it for me, but as of now I'm not sure if I have a tv credit or not. Either which way, I've been invited back to comment on another video next week...

Have been busy making video and doing comedy. The weekly show at Kabin has been renamed "Comedy as a Second Language" (Tommy Danger has died of acute Lyme Disease). We're working on a logo/postcard to hand out to peeps. Any help from graphic designers would be much appreech. Also, I'm redoubling my efforts on CSL, so my Taint Comedy Great? will be going quarterly ("seasonal!"). Next one ought be 08/29/08.

My computer situation is all effed up yet again, but I'm on the verge of getting everything fixed--expect more video content relatively soon(???).

Have acted in a couple of videos-- here's a comedic PSA I did with Elizabeth Lee and Katie Carmen (legitimate actor and director, repsectively). It's for psoriasis...

The long version is funnier, but this 30second spot ain't half bad, either.

Also just shot a commercial for PeaceKeeper, a progressive "cause-metic" co, so expect that here soon, too.

I seemed to have served lunch to Helena Christensen and her friend. I didn't realize it was her-- I just thought she was a really friendly, hot/beautiful customer. I must have looked like a dumbass: "What do you do?" Both Helena and her friend spoke exceptional English and had keen senses of humor, so I figured I'd at least invite them to the weekly show at Kabin. Had I known who she was, I would've been in awe...
And had she not been flying back to Denmark the next morning, I believe deeply that she may or may not have shown up at Kabin that Thursday evening. Just sayin'.

So yeah, that was pretty exciting, after the fact.

Lots of other interesting stuff going on... been busy as shit, goddamn.

Quick Note

2008-07-05T11:35:00.000-04:00

(Probably in Your Hair).jpg

2008-06-15T21:32:00.002-04:00

Money Shot.jpg

2008-04-24T13:41:00.001-04:00

I wonder where Wachovia got their idea for this ad campaign...

AVP-R...4/20+

2008-04-21T00:20:00.004-04:00

Tried to squeeze this one out before 4/20 was over, but between working brunch, watching Tom McCaffrey's cd-recording performance at Piano's, and finally taking a toke, it took longer than I thought. And here it is:

(please click to see the full-res image)

"Aliens Versus Predator... Requiem? Requiem? AVP-R takes place immediately after the first movie, but they couldn't call it it Aliens Versus Predator Two? Requiem? Is there heroine in this movie? Do the Alien and Predator go ass to ass? No they don't. Sorry to ruin it for you... but maybe they should, make that shit heap slightly more tolerable."

April Fool's Day!

2008-04-01T15:21:00.002-04:00

A few years ago I called my mom—I said, “Mom, you know how I went to Atlanta for New Years… well, I fooled around with this German chick and, well, she’s pregnant.”
I was ready for her to be infuriated that I’d gotten this woman pregnant (out of wedlock! omg!), but instead received a completely different reaction: “Oh my God, I’m going to be a GRANDMOTHER! Yay!”
“No, wait—April Fool’s Day!”
"Oh. Son, don't do that."

What a weak April Fool’s Day joke that turned out to be. So I learned my lesson… now when I call, it’s like, “Mom, I knocked up a young woman…”
"Yaaaay!"
“No, wait, mom—like, really young… like, 13.”
"Oh, well… at least I’ll still be a grandmother… "
“Actually, we’re not keeping the baby. In fact, I’m calling you to borrow money for an abortion.”
"Oh my God…"
“But it’s okay, because I’m going to this one doctor who’s aborted the last four of your potential grandchildren… and after this fifth one, my little punch card will be filled up and the sixth will be free!”
*sobbing*
“April Fool’s Day!”

Son of a Precher Man Revisited!

2008-02-14T00:21:00.003-04:00

Gotta love this kid preacher and his dad. In this disturbing, uncut interview footage with JuJu Chang they talk about having had a hard time in New York... I actually was there that afternoon in Union Square (see below).

what I threw together sometime in '07

Slight Bit of Confusion

2008-01-29T23:46:00.000-04:00

So, it was kind of a shitty day, whatever. Coulda been way worse, I suppose. I figured I'd treat myself to some kind of pesto-related goodness, prepare it at the house to save some hard-scrabble scratch. So I go to Trader Joe's and find their pesto and man, it was fuckin' way more expensive than I thought it would be. I mean, I don't go to Trader Joe's all that often (I pop into their wine shop fairly often), but goddamn. Their cheapest shit was $5 or $6, topping out at $13 or so. Finally I was like, "Fuck it, I can't afford this shite," and left. It was on my way out of "Trader Joe's" that I realized I was actually in Whole Foods. And such is my life: completely retarded.

The Chest Hair I Aspire to Have

2008-01-25T12:41:00.000-04:00

Taintuary

2008-01-22T19:31:00.000-04:00

What's up, people? Me? I escaped New York for a few days to enjoy Las Vegas, courtesy of my big brother, rmcaliente. Went for the AVN Novelty Expo, which was outrageous. No award shows, just knee-deep in dildoes. First time I'd ever been to the city, which was fun. Helps if you're rich and single, of which I'm neither. But it was still a lot of fun-- got to get out of town for a day and see the Valley of Fire, which was amazing. I went out West when I was really little, but I don't really remember it at all, and even then it was only in and around Los Angeles. So it was a lot of fun and you'd better bet this beast was well-altered! (pictures floating around somewhere? video eventually, too... maybe)

Stock market dive: Wow! It's a good thing I took great care a few years back to invest a tremendous sum of my money in rare, live Tool VHS tapes!

Good Customer: Steven Soderbergh--- very friendly, drinks Arnold Palmers, and an exceptionally classy tipper.
Bad Customer: Most Italians. Fuckin' stay in Italy if you can't tip at least 15% you fuckin' jerk-off assholes.

Taint Comedy Great? Comedy Show! One-Year Anniversary this Friday, January 25th! 9PM @ Kabin 92 Second Ave (btw 5th & 6th, Ass & Balls), NY, NY. Free! Featuring Tom McCaffrey, Becky Ciletti, Kumail Nanjiani, Adam Newman & Special Guests!? Gonna be a one for the record books-- seating limited, so arrive accordingly!
Oh, and here's the new, semi-pornographic logo I've been working on for months:

Also, last night I had the privilege of doing a show on which I've long-wanted a spot: Ed Sullivan on Acid (hosted by Pat O'Shea). It was a lot of fun, and if the video quality ain't too shitty, I'll post it here. Until then...

here's some of that video from BR I mentioned in my last post. The lighting is bad, the audience is over 30ft away from the stage, and I curse and point too much. Enjoy.

See y'all on Friday;-)

Not So Bad...

2007-12-29T01:31:00.000-04:00

So last night I got back from a week in Louisiana (more on that later?)... which made early this morning my first post-Xmas subway ride. Though imbibing liquids and/or consuming foods carries the risk of getting fined, a lot of people bring food & bev along for the ride. Me? I was determined to consume a small "a lot of pulp" OJ and some kind of cereal bar.

I opened the OJ and took a big sip. Me likey da pulpy. I was sitting down, so I figured I could wedge the container between my legs for a second while I busted out the breakfast bar. I... maybe have a problem keeping my legs closed? [never thought I'd say that until post-op] Before I could get my munch on, my OJ flipped upside down and fell to the floor of the L-train. Fuck balls! Surprisingly, the extra pulp made it look like someone had been puking all over the place (note: I've seen upchuck on the train--fresh or otherwise--on many an occasion, but never my own; my classy ass vomits on or directly off of the subway platform, thankyouverymuch)!

All I have is the brown bag they gave me for my "meal," so I tried to use that to sop it up, but it didn't help at all, really. I was pretty embarrassed-- I didn't want to be that guy, you know, the one who makes a mess in just wallows in it OR the asshole that makes the mess and just, oh I dunno know, walks to a different car for the remainder of his or her ride.

So I'm trying to clean it and doing a piss-poor job when my fellow New Yorkers extend the helping hand. A handful of napkins from one fellow sitting across from me, a McDonalds bag from another gentleman halfway down the car, then another brown bag from an adjacent seat. And I'm down there cleanin' that shit up best I can. After a couple of minutes, it's passably chunky-OJ free, but that left me with a couple handfuls of chunky-OJ & filthy MTA-floor saturated napkins, bags, etc. Another lady walked over from halfway across the car to give me a clear plastic bag (like from a produce section of some sort) to put all that mess into. If that weren't awesome enough, I only took one big deep breath/half-sigh before a passenger across from me busted out a bottle of hand sanitizer. Fuckin' beautiful.

Although, considering the infamous "Calloway Luck," I was just waiting for a pregnant woman or some elderly/infirm person to, after all that Disney-magic, walk through the doors and slip and fall on a spot I'd missed. If it happened, it happened after I got off the train 45min later at 6th Ave (yes, the train was running 15min slower than usual!).

PS: in case the one or *gasp* possibly two people that read this blog are wondering the ages and ethnicities of those that lent their helping hands, er, bags/what have you: napkins=middle aged Polish white guy, McDonalds bag=teenage black dude, stranger's brown bag=late 20's-ish Latina lady, clear plastic bag=Asian lady (age? who knows), hand sanitizer=early 20's black lady.

So yeah, I heart New York.

Legally Altered

2007-12-05T10:57:00.001-04:00

Since hurting my back about a week and a half ago (see below), I'd been in pretty much constant pain until... I went to a walk-in clinic that handles worker's comp. They prescribed pain pills and muscle relaxers, both of which have been doing their parts to ameliorate my back pain. Alternating heat and ice packs, too, of course. But I'll be damned if that shit doesn't still hurt. Legal, paid-for drugs are great and all, but at this point I just want the whole mess to go away.

Doesn't help that business has been slow at both the restaurants where I work. So even if I could find someone to pick up a shift so I can take a whole day to rest (I've been skipping out on some crucial comedy shows to stay home and rest basically every night), even if that were possible, I can't afford to take off work. Bills won't pay themselves, muchless saving up for some more classes at the UCBT.

Add to all that: I'm coming down with a wicked-ass cold. Not entirely sure what medicine I can and can't take with the prescription meds. Ungh. Hope it's busy at work today! Ha.

come%20first.jpg

2007-11-30T20:01:00.000-04:00

The reason why I shop at DR.

service industry, shmervice industry

2007-11-28T20:44:00.000-04:00

I was carrying a rack of glasses down the stairs at one of my two jobs when I slipped and fell. I tumbled forward, using the glass rack to break my fall. Not one glass broke-- had there not been rubber grips on the floor I would've had shards all up in my grill, no doubt. Anyway, I ended up twisting my back at an awkward angle as my chest hit the rack and the rest of my body crashed into the ground. I filled out an incident report, but not before bringing some rich baller more raw bar condiments. I'm about sick of the service industry, six sometimes seven days a week.

And now? Well-expired pain pills and red wine. They go together like organic skim milk and SmartStart cereal. Like... French fries and spicy mayo. Like internet porn and a crunchy gym sock. Wait, no, that's not right.

From the front lines:

Customer: Do you have more bread?
Me: Yes, yes we do. [extended pause] Oh, you'd like me to bring you some more bread. Rrright.
***
Customer Who Hasn't Even Opened the Menu: What would you recommend here?
Me: I recommend maybe taking a look at your menu before asking me any questions.
***

Customer: Could I get that cappucino with half-whole, half-skim milk?
Me: Sure. I'll bring some water for you, as well. Is half-bottled, half-tap water OK?
***

Customer Who Doesn't Like Ice Water: This water... [pointing] this water has ice.
Me: Yes, yes it does.
Customer: [continues pointing, jabs finger at the glass]
Me: Yep, that's ice all right.
Other Customer at Table: I don't think she wants ice.
Me: [returning with a glass of water, no ice] This water... [pointing] this water has no ice.
***

Me: Hello, how are you doing this afternoon?
Customer: I'll take a Diet Coke.
Me: Oh, I'm fine, too, thanks! Just enjoying the beautiful wea-- wait, what was that?
***

Me: Hello, how are you doing this afternoon?
Customer: I'm doing well, thanks. How are you?
Me: I'm doing all right, doing OK.
Customer: That's fantastic.
Me: No, it's really just OK. Not really fantastic, per se.
Customer: Oh... that's tragic.
Me: Tragic? No, stop it! I'm seriously right in the middle on this one.
***

Me: So, can I bring y'all something to drink while you look over the menus?
Customer: I'll take the steak sandwich.
Me: Hmm, never heard of that before... you want start with a steak sandwich to drink while you look over the menu? I guess I could ask the chef to put it in a blender...
Customer: No, no-- I mean I want a steak sandwich to eat.
Me: Oh, right. So, can I bring y'all something to drink while you look over the menus?
***
Customer: So, do you deliver?
Me: No, I'm just a server here.
Customer: No, I mean...
Me: I suppose when I run food out the table, it's a bit like a "delivery" of sorts.
Customer: No, the restaurant. Do you guys deliver?
Me: Rrright.
***
Customer: How long have you been here?
Me: Since 10 A.M.
Customer: I mean the restaurant.
***
Customer: What salads do y'all have?
Me: Just the ones listed on the menu.
Customer: Oh, sorry.
Me: I forgive you.

The Lion, Witch, and the... the... what was it again?

2007-11-23T22:26:00.000-04:00

What's up, people? Hope everyone had a pleasant Tofurkey Day. I sure did. I know it's a cliché, and I know it's lame, but I ate way too much food. All the wine I drank and the little green I smoked is all standard fare. But the mounds of food? Not so much. And I can eat a shit ton of food, too. Almost died last night during a *very* successful Tommy Danger Comedy Hour. We were listed in TimeOut magazine, which made all the difference as far as having-an-audience was concerned.

Last Friday's Taint Comedy Great? Comedy Show! went exceptionally well, as well. Besides Jacqueline Novak, Chris Laker, Brent Sullivan, Aubrey Tennant and Mike Drucker, one Dan Goodman also performed. The Lounge portion of Kabin Bar & Lounge was packed out! Thank you thank you thank you for all your support!

Sooo. Yeah. My apartment is coming along. Just waiting on a wardrobe that's supposedly on it's way. Will be nice to have my clothes out of bags and piles on the ground/strewn over my reading chair, etc. But it's coming along nicely...

All right, time to come clean: I've been enjoying some Soulcalibur III. My girlfriend has a PS2. I bought the game (stays at her place) and I'll be goddamned if it's not the best and most amazing way to waste hours upon hours... Just unlocked Lizard Man... (will post pictures of my thong-clad custom-created character, "C'Treo" soon) MY LEGEND WILL NEVER DIE... and sometimes, yes, MY SOUL STILL BURNS! Sorry, Tekkenites, Virtua Smiters, and Feet Strighters--SCIII is where it's at! I'm sooo glad I can't afford an Xbox360. I'd never get anything done.

Lizard Man!

My man Edge Master (he's not in SCIII, I don't think...)

I've been checking out: Leah Dubie's Smoking Comedy Joint, Archers of Ha, the Scott Kacenga Quartet, Puscifer, Jules Marx, and I'm looking forward to Everything Smaller.

Moved Out, Moved In

2007-11-10T18:06:00.000-04:00

All right, all right, all right! Okay, first and foremost, I'm gonna go ahead and plug my next Taint Comedy Great? Comedy Show!

Friday November 16th, 9PMish Free, $2 PBRs
@ Kabin Bar & Lounge -- 92 Second Ave (bt 5th & 6th Avs)
featuring some of my favorite comics:
Aubrey Tennant, Chris Laker, Jacqueline Novak, Brent Sullivan, & Mike Drucker

So, yeah... that's gonna be awesome.

All right, all right. Speed and cheap champagne. Good times.

Hope y'all (all three of you) have been enjoying my mini-blog photo posts. I like 'em, and would like 'em even more if the camera on my phone weren't a piece of shit. But dems da breaks!

I successfully moved out of my itty-bitty apartment in Bushwick (or "East Williamsburg" if you're an asshole) and into a big, beautiful, inexpensive apartment in Ridgewood, Queens. That's right, the same "Ridgewood, Queens" I lived in this past January and February when I completely ran out of money (stayed with the most excellent J. Covello). R-wood has gone from a place of relative last resort (after-all, I was about ready to move back to *shudder* Baton Rouge) to a lair of luxurious enchantment.

My apartment is inexpensive, large, and located on a safe and tree-lined street. It's a couple blocks from where the L & M subway trains meet, so that's pretty convenient. 25+minutes to Union Square ain't all that great, but I'll be reading a lot more (***accepting donations for a Nintendo DS Lite, any color will do, save the pink one***). My room is huge and I pay a little more than my two roommates, but after living in a womb-like hovel since March, I don't mind (it's still less than that place anyway).

My roommates are great, too. Know 'em from when I worked at Spice Market. Equadorian Long Islander Leon sings in a rock band and works for non-profit ogranization that promotes healing-through-music/art for children in refugee camps and other war-torn parts of the world (in addition to their regular curriculum). New Zealander Tim is a jazz musician (plays the skin flute, er, the saxophone) who has just returned from a year traveling the world as the tour manager to the up-and-coming/increasingly-successful band The Checks. He's a party-promoting beast, so watch out. I want to combine Kiwi & Tim and call him Tiwi, but I don't think he'll let me.

So yeah, working a bunch, still, of course. Cash flow is desperate, as usual. 'Nother glass of champagne, good sir! Thanks. Seeing a bunch of shows and performing, too, but not as much as I'd like. Workin' on that now, actually. Will return with more sooner than later. Peace, bitches.

cigs ofthe beast

2007-10-30T09:26:00.000-04:00

New Style Espresso

2007-10-25T12:18:00.000-04:00

After trying a number of new ways to present espresso, Gustavo and I finally settled on this one.

Stroke Center

2007-10-24T13:26:00.000-04:00

some shit n' fucks

2007-10-12T20:06:00.000-04:00

I'll write more here from now on, you jus' RSS-feed this beast and see what happens!

Last night after the Tommy Danger Comedy Hour, my girlfriend and I were walking back to the subway and along with another (random) couple witnessed this obese black dude stealing a bike. The bike was all chromed-out and all they had was a dinky little lock on it. If I'm not mistaken, the perp broke it with his bare bear hands. Even when my shitty bike was stolen from Union Square months ago I had a better lock on it than that little thing. Hopefully it was a trap that might help lead the police to a bike thief lair. Hopefully. Either which way, I've been enjoying my new(er) bike, and you'd better believe I have a big-ass NYC lock on it. Great times.

So I have to move again. What a pain in the ass. They're raising the rent where I live now, and it's not really worth it to stay. Gonna move in with some friends... we'll see! I'm working six, sometimes seven days a week and I'm still broke. Fuck. Four (or three) days at the Belgian restaurant (check us out in Zagat!) and three days at the Argentine place (TimeOut & Zagat loved us... if only we had customers!). I will work this schedule as long as my body and mind can maintain. Some say my mind has already gone... Trying hard to hit the comedy-- need to hustle like a Sean Patton.

Did the intro class at the Upright Citizen Brigade, which was awesome. Improv is a lot harder than I thought-- especially the Harold long-form fun. Goddamn! But the people I took the class with are/were super-excellent. Graduation show was actually funny(!). Again, great times. Want to take the second course, but I'm trying hard to manage my limited resources-- maybe someday! Hopefully sooner than later.

Went to CT and visited my OneEyeJilly-- hadn't been up there in almost a year (maybe more?), which was great. I really miss my great friend Jill and it was awesome to recharge--if only for a day--riding around the beautiful New England countryside.

Oh, and here's the show from Comix that I'd referenced below... enjoy! (thanks to Loquesto).

What else? Probably gonna do the next Taint Comedy Great? Comedy Show! that Friday after Halloween. The Friday before is when it technically ought to be, but I don't want to knock heads with Halloween parties, etc.

Oct 20th: Puscifer album comes out. "V is for Vagina" I'm scared, but in a good way.

Here's a little comfort-zone-stretching something from the vault (courtesy of HuntingSt's friends)... surprise strip tease to 4°!!!

Yet Another Phone

2007-10-01T15:40:00.001-04:00

Okay, so another one of my blackberry pearls cracked out. This most recent phone makes numero tres. Best part is: tmobile sent me TWO pearls instead of just one. Should I sell it, send it back or maybe even give it away to one of my friends? I'll probably just send it back: no one deserves the hassle of dealing with these shitty phones. Well, if this one breaks, they're supposed to send me a Curve. Can't wait.

Thanks to everyone who came out to the first TCG?CS! In a couple months-by many accounts it was the best comedy show at Kabin yet! So yes, thanks again to all y'all for coming out, and thanks again to the Chech Your Cool crew (John D. O'Donnell, Claudia Coogan, Jiwon Lee) plus Brooke Van Poppelen and Jesse Pop. Great times, indeed!

Comix

2007-09-08T08:46:00.000-04:00

Thanks to my nine peeps that came out to my show at Comix last night! There was a good chance that I wasn't going to be able to perform, but I made it on thanks to y'all.
So yeah, it went really well- will have a copy of the performance online as soon as possible... Thanks again!

Happy Birthday, Loquesto!

2007-08-30T12:03:00.000-04:00

On turning 34: "I beat Jesus!"

Mobile bloggin'

2007-08-29T11:23:00.000-04:00

Apparently I can blog from my phone, shitty pics and all! So I might try actually updating this (altered) beast more often.

Do: watch all three Bourne movies in a row.

Don't: talk to either one of your parents about their increasingly nasty divorce right before your three-hour improv class.

Need: more Xanax.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Pssh, Whatever

2007-07-11T20:49:00.001-04:00

Yeah, it's been a while since I've posted here, but not for a lack of starting/saving posts and then never finishing them.

A whole bunch of shit's gone down since early June. But not that much, really.

Played some basketball in a real gym, which was awesome... except two years of playground ballin' had me showboating a jus' a little. Imagine that.

Went to the beach a couple times... Coney Island, Robert Moses. Good times.

Visited Baton Rouge for my mom's 50th Birthday, which was a lot of fun, too. Didn't really tell anyone I was makin' the trip, but still saw a bunch of friends/family. I got the flu/strep throat on the last couple of days there and on my last day my brother, Colton, got an ironic haircut.

Was hoping to do some comedy in BR, but it was during the week of 7/4, so everything was all called off. Lame.

The last Taint Comedy Great? Comedy Show! went really well-- had Lucas Held, Pat Camden, Tom McCaffrey & Greg Walloch... all class acts, rocked the house.

The Tommy Danger Comedy Hour continues each Thursday @ 9PM (see flier below in previous post, I think). We've had a bunch of awesome comics stop by: John F. O'Donnel, Sean Crespo, Vince Avrill, Jesse Pop, Timmy from Whitest Kids U Know, Mike Burns, and a bunch more... great times!!!

as of late

2007-06-04T18:21:00.000-04:00

Hey, people! Belatedly, I'd like to thank everyone who came out to May's Taint Comedy Great? Comedy Show! It started even closer to on time and the lineup was excellent-- even my New Orleanian pal Cassidy Henehan showed up and was HILARIOUS! Seriously, thanks a metric tonne, my friends!

This Thursday marks the beginning of the weekly show The Tommy Danger Comedy Hour that'll also be at Kabin (Second Ave between 5th+6th Streets). In addition to Adam, Sean and myself, the following comics will be stopping by: John F. O'Donnel, Ben Kissel, and John O'Connor. 9PM, free. Come check it out!

I was wondering around in the freezing monsoon this past Sunday and decided to check out my friend Caroline Waxler's comedy show-- Le Chuckle Hut-- at the West Village's own Paris Commune. Apparently a bunch of Best Week Ever peeps frequent the show, so I figure it'd be funny. Luckily, I got a chance to contribute to the funny cuz another comic (or two?) didn't show. It was the most under dressed I'd ever been for a show, coincidentally at one of the swankiest venues I'd ever performed in. Maybe a video will make it to the net... But the whole show was just fuckin' great.

Internet is Back & Two Years Ago!

2007-05-19T19:56:00.000-04:00

Hey, y'all-- I have internet access at the apartment again. Actually, I've had it for about a week now... but I haven't had a chance to update this bloggity blog because I've been using my newly-appreciated connection to just look at a bunch of porn. Yep. And trying to find a copy of Costas-Garvas' "State of Siege" ($22 for a shitty VHS copy! A conspiracy, indeed).
I went to Rififi's Cinema Classics last night for "The Greg Johnson Show" two year anniversary. Sarah Silverman(!), Todd Barry, Arj Barker, Whitest Kids U Know, and more. All for $5. Traditional comedy clubs can suck it.
It was also two years ago that I packed everything I could into my Toyota Corolla and drove to NYC. In about two months I'll be returning home to clean out my storage unit that contains the rest of my life. Can't wait for the Louisiana summer heat.
$8/lb for select Louisiana boiled crawfish @ Mara's Homemade-- 6th St. bt 1st & 2nd. I recommend checkin' it out before the season ends.
Next Friday: Taint Comedy Great? Comedy Show! I host Stacia Jensen, ???, Matt Champagne, and Adam Wilson.
June 7th: the first Tommy Danger show-- a weekly comedy event brought to you by Sean Patton, Chesslee Calloway and Adam Wilson!!!
Oh, and no matter how funny it is at the time--due to inebriation or no-- using sunscreen to finger paint a 69 on your stomach before lying out on the beach for a tantoo is lame.

Internetless

2007-05-04T18:53:00.000-04:00

My recent lack of posts and/or digital correspondence is due to my infuriating internet situation. Two and a half weeks ago the internet went down-- the "cable" light being the only one flashing on my cable modem. It would be a week before I could be home for an appointment with Time Warner, so I waited a week. Appointment Day arrives and there's a handful of TW utility trucks along my street... turns out I wasn't the only one having problems. The obviously-ESL guy explains that the Engineering Dept would have to come out and fix the problem and they'd be out in the next 24-48 hours. OK, fine. Well, 24-48 goes by, still no internet. By this time my roommate and I are getting really pissed off. We call to complain and they explain: "There's an outage in the area." No shit. When will it be fixed. "Umm... Yeah... Hopefully... tomorrow?" Great. So now it turns out the outage has more or less been taken care of but we still don't have a connection! That cable light just keeps blinking and blinking and blinking.
So I've been lugging this less-than-light MacBook around... part of me wants to sell it and retrograde back to a 12" PowerBook. The other part of my digital life-- the part that lost everything on its hard drive a few months ago (also the same part that as-of-this-morning has a completely dead battery, necessitating a power cord to operate and requiring a much-dreaded trip to the Apple Store Genius Bar)-- that part of me wants to tell the MacCult to go suck a huge fuckin' cock, I'll be going back to some sort of small, light laptop.

4/20 TCG?CS!

2007-04-21T14:38:00.000-04:00

"Happy 4/20, Everybody!"
Two years ago I performed the last show in Baton Rouge I'd do as a Baton Rougian. Baton Rouger. Whatever. Last night 4/20 rolled around once again, and again I threw down the drug jokes... But it had been a while (um, two years!), I was really high, there were technical difficulties, and--despite starting the show about thirty minutes late--people continued to file in during my indulgent-host intro. But I was bombing, so it's probably best it happened that way. Except the Green Sweater bit (thanks, Colton!), that one went over well enough.
The first two comics, Jon Lang and Christian Cintron, both did very well--warming up the crowd as I had failed to do so. Besides, by the time the too-many-people-to-fit-into-such-a-small-room were finally settled, we were down to the last couple of comics, Amanda Melson and Sean Patton... both of whom killed. Great times... I drank too much rum and coke.
After the show a bunch of us stayed at Kabin for a while, just hanging out and drinking. Then I got high again and had some killer fries at Pomme Frittes, along with Jamaican dipping sauce. Happy 4/20, indeed.

[no title]

2007-04-20T15:15:00.000-04:00

My internet connection hasn't been working. Terribly frustrating, really. The cable company can't come until next week to fix it. Fuck! One more way in which technology is kicking my ass. Oh, and though it was fine at first, now I'm having nothing but trouble trying to get my PSP to play movies. Fuckin' PSPWare is total garbage.

Taint Comedy Great? Comedy Show! Tonight! Feedback on this logo would be welcome... hahaha.

Altered, No Doubt

2007-04-09T00:08:00.000-04:00

It's been way too long since I've blogged it up. Here we are.
My friend Remjob has been in town for the last week, which was fun. I worked a ton the week before to be able to take off a few days while she was in town. I learned a number of things:

The early 90's are not on the way back, they're already here (ushered in by a particular pair of sunglasses I own)
If it snows while the sun is shining, it means the devil is ejaculating in his wife's hair follicle. And--for no apparent reason-- donkey punching her, as well. But hey, he is the devil.
58 is the new 69, however awkward
Cavorting with shady people in bars leads to cracked spines and broken cameras, especially when steep, slippery concrete staircases are involved ("You're too trusting of other people, Chesley.")
Throughout human history, men have been hyper-rakish (bring back the codpiece King Henry II style!)
There's a very real conspiracy to prevent the public from viewing Costa Gavras films.
Don't worry if the person smoking indoors is a volunteer firefighter.
Applied mycology in Central Park can be fun, but only when the weather is nice: "Fuck your view of the park, I don't have health care!" "I'm sick of signin' autographs! I'm outta here!" and "You have to pee again!?"
The definition of Falsenticity (video coming soon!)
The New York Public Library is run by Italians, but is quite awesome when it actually isn't arbitrarily closed without any kind of explanation.

My electronics are rebelling against me. I have a feeling it's because of my PSP (see below). What a fuckin' hassle. I lost all the contacts in my phone, so when people call all I see are a bunch of unfamiliar numbers instead of their names. I have the majority of 'em backed up on my computer, but the vast majority of those I don't use either. Fuck.
The display on my camera cracked up under my weight (see aforementioned slippery concrete staircases). Not the glass itself, but the LCD layer underneath. About 50 percent of the screen is all whited out diagonally. It still takes pictures and video fine, but it's difficult not only to frame up photos but to see the settings. Everyone that knows me knows I carry my little Pentax Optio S around in an Altoid's tin. To make such a high-quality camera so small Pentax took a bunch of the controls off the side/top of the camera and made 'em accessible via a digital interface on the LCD screen... the same one I can't see most of anymore. Is the flash on? Is it night mode? Fuck if I know. I will say, though, that over the last five years I've accumulated enough Optio-S navigational experience to put off (scraping up money for) getting a new camera. Bullshit.

Doing some comedy this month, for sure. Benefit at Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction tomorrow night and then the April Taint Comedy Great? Comedy Show on 4/20... that's right, 4/20!!!!!!! Awesome.

It's still winter in New York... on Easter Sunday. I saw a snow flurry from inside my jobbie job. The sun was shining, too. Poor devil's wife. Here's a link to an article I wrote on the topic: HistorEastery, pASSover, & the Beastquinox Springxtravaganza

Here's some video n' whatever, too:

Digital Crackhead Game Reviews

2007-04-08T23:02:00.000-04:00

In honor of your favorite digital crackhead purchasing a brand new, third-hand PSP®, April’s reviews will exclusively feature PSP games. Sure, it’s a beleaguered little beast: Of the few games available, most are undeniably sh–tty (eternal load times, bad ports of PS2’s® worst titles, etc.), it’s laughable as an MP3 player, and Sony is a total a–hole when it comes to anti-homebrew a–holishness. The only conceivable future in which digital content is toted around in Sony UMDs™ is the same one that features the Blu-ray vs. HDVD war going nuclear.

But fuck me if the dang thing ain’t a purty piece o’ engineerin’. With a memory card, a computer, and a little know-how, one can use the PSP to watch movies and even play old-school games (the original GameBoy’s™ Tetris® never gets old). I guess it might be possible to enjoy its (few decent) UMD games – a number of which actually offer decent online play. Maybe, with enough duct tape and spit, I could mod it to play Nintendo® DS games – stylus and all! ;-)

Bliss Island – Named after a real island… on which you won't find this buzz-kill.

Pocket Pool – It’s like a Pocket Pussy, except the opposite of orgasmic.

Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords – Hey, it's the non-awaited puzzle game about Afghanistan! Probably explains why this poorly-executed p.o.s. is only fun when you're high on opium.

Pimp My Ride – Forget my ride; this game needs a pimpin'. (Alternate title: Waste My Time)

Valhalla Knights – Somehow worse than its regrettable prequel, Valhalla Daze.

Cube™ – (pube)

Ultimate Board Game Collection – Ultimate Bored Game Collection.

7 Wonders – “I wonder why anyone would play this game.” (Repeat 6x.)

Spider-Man™ 3 – I would say this game is great, but I'd be wrong.

Heatseeker™ – Not for fun seekers.

Winx™ Club: Join the Club – The Winx Club: Exclusively for Jerk-Off A–holes.

...and another thing

2007-03-08T02:19:00.000-04:00

How about this little video I threw together? It features me and my friend from work-- doing what we can to pass the low-paying hours Tribeca. May Spring arrive posthaste, for if doesn't, yours truly might once again get desperate for the $$$... And no one wants that to happen.
Enjoy:

Life n' Things

2007-03-08T01:59:00.000-04:00

As of late, things have been insane. Work's been slow, time's been passing quite quickly, and I've just been trying to keep my head above water.
I'm finally mostly-moved into a new place, though not at all settled... a shite tonne of boxes to unpack. My new flatmate seems exceptionally chill, as does her super-sweet kitty, Trinity (as in the The Matrix's Trinity, not the Holy Trinity). But it's a boy cat, which is kind of funny. Not like I have a whole helluva lot room to talk about names n' gender. In any event, it'll take me a little while to get things in order here, but I'm just happy to have the living-situation thing worked out, so I can get to the comedy...
I've booked the room for the as-of-now monthly show "Taint Comedy Great?" which I'll be hosting. Will be excellent in a very laid back, chill kinda way. Wednesday, March 21-- doors at 8:50PM @ Kabin (2nd Ave bt 5th & 6th). You heard it here first. Or you didn't.
On March 18th, I'll be doing a not gay-for-pay, but gay-for-comedy gig "Menage A Ha" with some friends from the Tank Comedy workshop mentioned below. Check out the scandalous flyer:

Also, at the end of the month, I'll be acting in a friend's short movie and my friend Rebobo will be in town, as well. Fun fun!

The RayLord Cometh

2007-02-28T23:53:00.000-04:00

My great friend-amongst-many-conlinegregations, Rachelle aka Ray Ray aka RayLord aka Rayne of Terra, the lead singer of The California Raysons is a true Beast-- postin' across many a site-- and Altered, no doubt! Since the high school's religion-so-fake-it's-funny Hosanna Christian Academy days, I've been admiring her talent. Check out why:

doing stuff like this since H!C!A!

I mean, goddamn! Check out these portraits of Jim solo & The Doors!

AND

and now she's posting pics like

and art like

So I am quite honored that Raynardo has drawn a badass portrait of yours truly, fishnet, bra straps, crazy goggles and all:

seriously, check out the original (from Halloween '06):

Hell yeah! Amongst portraits by my peeps, it ranks the highest. Here are some of the others:

Shojiasturbation (2004):

Juan Garcia (2006):

Jerry Premick (2005):

Jon K. (2005)

Raylord herself (1997ish):

self portrait (1995ish):

So I think Raythousand Days' recent contribution sets the bar pretty damn high.

Been Down So Goddamn Long...

2007-02-19T21:51:00.000-04:00

If anyone that saw me crying like a little girl on the N-Train yesterday, it's because the MacBook I've had since June '06 up and died on me. Lost about three or four months worth of stuff-- I'm an idiot for not backing my junk up more often (on the dance floor, biatch!). The hardware has been replaced/updated. They even cleaned the crusty keyboard! Braver souls than I...

The apartment hunt is going well enough. Will probably end up in Brooklyn, but, if the move comes down to the last second, I might end up in Astoria.

Played the Nintendo Wii for the first time, which was fuckin' great... I'll get one if and when a super-responsive lightsaber dueling game is released. Until then, I'll just stick with wishing I had a PSP and/or Nintendo DS.

I don't want to fuck up my claim to being "The Altered Beast" or anything, but I was in fact completely sober two days last week. It had been longer than I could remember... I definitely prefer a drug-addled haze to numb the pain of life than trying to deal with this painful, hellish world.

Each Saturday throughout February I'm taking a comedy class with Becky Donahue. I've seen her rock large clubs and the back rooms of bars alike. So that's exciting. A number of the other students (and fans e-mailing through the chesslee.com) have been asking me when/where I'll be performing again. Basically, I'm more concerned about getting the living situation in order before anything else. But the class has been excellent thus far--great group of people-- and I'm excited about doing a lot more stand-up very, very soon.

Wish I would've been at the Spanish Town Parade. Maybe next year?

Tool is playing Bonnaroo, which I find hilarious.

I still haven't taken any of my empty wine bottles out to the recycling bin since moving in here in January. I'm actually a very clean person, but I've just been lettin' pile up because I think it looks funny to have this pile of empty wine bottles. But when I really think about it, I know it looks bad. Oh well, I'll take care of 'em sooner than later.

"February Game of the Month"

2007-02-04T01:51:00.000-04:00

After January’s steaming pile of game-release crap – such a terrible lot that not a single one deserved the honorable distinction of January’s Game of the Month – I’m that much more excited about the February title worthy of the distinction. The big winner, Iraqra, is also the first (and last) GameCube™ game to win. I guess it’s better late than never, GC! Check it out!

Clearly inspired by the NES classic Contra™, Iraqra recaptures the side-scrolling fun so well that one would never guess the 2-D perspective has been outdated for over a decade. The controls are as controllish as the GameCube controller can get, which is pretty controllerific. The graphics aren’t quite on par with the PlayStation® 3 or Xbox 360™ (or the PS2® or original Xbox™, for that matter), but hey, it’s a side-scroller: amazing graphics are optional.

The cooperative two-player mode, which made the original Contra so incredibly badass, returns in Iraqra, too. You play as Dick Smith, a hardened U.S. Marine, or Zabourah Mohammad, a member of the elite Iraqi Counterterrorism Force. Classic weapons, like the Spread Gun and Laser, are still present, but a host of new weapons are also available. There’s the Sand Gun, which basically doesn’t run out of ammo. The Dog Leash, which is found in the Abu Ghraib level, will speak to a player’s inner sadist (you sicko!). My favorite has to be the pistol-grip Combat Shotgun – a single shot can blast a single-hump camel in half!

The first level is a cakewalk – fight your way right past the Iraqi National Museum to get to the Ministry of Oil. And by “fight,” I mean “gun down retreating Ba’athists” (extra points for back-of-headshots!). The building is guarded by an easy level boss: a giant, sword-wielding Saddambot. [Hint: aim your American Flag Launcher at its head!] After the battle, a cut scene shows George W. Bush giving the “Mission Accomplished” victory speech on the deck of the aircraft carrier USS Baberaham Lincoln…could the game really be that short?

Nope, it’s only the beginning. As a matter of fact, the developers at Conami promised Iraqra would only take a few hours to beat, but I’ve logged an exhausting, RPG-like*, 300+ hours in this game, and there’s no end in sight! [*By RPG, I mean time-consuming Role-Playing Games, not Rocket-Propelled Grenades.]

Behold some of the Iraqra action I’ve encountered thus far:

- Rescue kidnapped foreign journalists, or at least the ones from countries that initially supported Operation Iraqi Liberation.

- Find Saddam and his two sons, Uday and Qusay. (They’re a slippery bunch!)

- Defend endless miles of oil pipelines from increasingly brazen attacks.

- Three words: Fallujah Road Block.

- Fight atop a tanker truck in Kellogg, Brown, and Coot escort missions.

- Create a stable democracy by blowing up the homes of the extremists who insist on voting (and threaten to do the same to the homes of moderates who refuse to participate).

- Get a taste of block-to-block guerilla warfare when you help the Baghdad-backed Iraqi Police disarm yet-approved local militias. (Hint: watch out for the Mahdi Army and their boss, Muqtada al-Sadr – they’ll beat your ass!)

- Kill or capture foreign nationals – troublemakers, vacation-takers, orgasm-fakers, or anyone else that happens to fit the rhyme scheme.

- Always keep an eye out for WMD, just in case.

- Appease the Kurds’ demands for independence with delicious baked goods of goodwill.

- Help start a dialogue between Shiite and Sunni Muslims through a series of inter-faith, button-tap minigames like Pin the Guilt on the Jews and There’s No “U.S.” in “IRAQ.”

In a departure from the original Contra’s narrow, shoot-everything-that-moves gameplay, things get a little more complicated for Dick and Zabourah. Super-soldier Dick is an obvious target for insurgents, terrorists, and even insurgorists, so when playing as him, you can gun down just about anything that moves. Be warned: when you kill innocent civilians – particularly women and children – Dick’s health bar can go down or worse. If bystanders record the events with videophones, then there’s only thirty seconds or so to take down Mr. Videophone before he forwards the clip to a friend. Failing to do so will land Dick an unwanted spot on GooTube. If the video file “Dick F@#!$ Iraqi Woman and Child While Zabourah Looks On” goes viral, you’ll get court-martialed and be forced to give up one of your precious lives.

Things are even stickier for Zabourah, who has a Kurdish mother, Sunni father, and was raised by a distant cousin (a Shiite Muslim convert). As Zabourah, if you keep a low profile (i.e., low kill count), then you’ll be able to blend into the crowd. Few parts of the game are more intense than merely walking through the most dangerous levels while Dick creates havoc. Of course, Zabourah’s knowledge of the competing factions helps the elite duo find all kinds of illegal weapon caches and obtain crucial information about powerful Iraqi mobsters. However, every raid or kill raises the price on Zabourah’s head until he has no choice but to fight openly.

Even if Dick’s gung-ho carelessness and Zabourah’s triple-crossing espionage didn’t steadily increase the difficulty, the game would still be pretty damn tough. Snipers are always firing from somewhere offscreen, improvised explosive devices are everywhere, and every other car has a bomb in the back seat. As one might easily predict, it doesn’t take much – like the sloppy hanging of former dictators, bombing of rival mosques, or round after round of Shiite-dominated parliamentary elections – to escalate sectarian violence. Be careful: if you get caught smack in the middle of a mortar-filled Sunni vs. Shiite battle (Saudi Arabia vs. Iran!?), even Allah won’t be able to save you. Since you only start with a few lives and a handful of continues, the spike in cheap, late-game deaths is super-frustrating. Thankfully, the classic Conami Code still works here in Iraqra: at the title screen, press Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start. The code will land you 20,000 extra men – but even that extra oomph might not be enough to get through this beast of a game.

Sure, Iraqra is a lowly GameCube game. But the Wii™ is just a GameCube with a fancy controller (and not cube-shaped). Believe me, if Conami doesn’t release a Wiimote-waving version, it might be worth it to drop $100 on a used GamePube just to play this game.

27 on 27th

2007-02-04T01:33:00.000-04:00

The "Golden Showers, Er, Golden Birthday" comedy show went really well. Thanks to everyone who showed up and to the comics that performed: Steve Sokolov, Adam Wilson, and Greg Johnson.
A precursor to "Taint Comedy Great?" We'll see...

2007-01-26T01:31:00.000-04:00

This is my set from when I was really drunk (two weeks ago tonight) at this poorly-attended open mic night in the Upper East Side.

Theodicy-Men

2007-01-26T01:01:00.000-04:00

My column, Altar Call, late 2005. Yes, God is an asshole.

Theodicy-Men

Bad sh–t happens to a lot of people, both good and bad. Every day, wine spills on white shirts, cars are jacked, and thousands of humans starve. It really makes me wonder…where is God when these calamities occur? If S/He’s omnipotent (all-powerful), omniscient (all-knowing), and betaintevolent (benevolent and taint-laden), then what’s the problem? We’re hitting an evil critical mass here – how ‘bout helpin’ a brotha out? And so begins our theodicy – a quest to understand why God would be such a prick.

There are three different types of evil in this world: Evil Evil, Natural Evil, and Gawdamn! Evil. Evil Evil includes harm done to people by other people; Natural Evil includes natural disasters, and Gawdamn! Evil is a ruthless, cruel combination of Evil Evil and Natural Evil. Here are a few of the main excuses given for God’s willingness to let these evils scourge the earth.

Free Will: Humans and Their Choices

• Evil Evil: Well-fed Libertarians insist the greatest evil would be for God to abridge our freedom of choice, forcing us to be good-doing godbots. However, my contact in rural Zimbabwe implores, “God, can you please, pretty please force someone to sling me some food here?”

• Natural Evil: God has never forced anyone to live on the rim of a magma-spewing volcano. Same goes for people living in a hurricane-prone city that lies below sea level and is wedged between a large lake and massive river, protected only by insufficient levees and the last remaining “little wetland that couldn’t.” (For inept disaster response, see Evil Evil.)

• Gawdamn! Evil: A large tree has fallen directly on your penis. You’d better call either a doctor or a lumberjack – your choice.

God’s Plan: Everything Happens for a Reason/Things Will Work Out…for Someone

• Evil Evil: Your slain, decomposing family will be discovered by a sinful detective, leading him to get his life right with God. S/He appreciates your sacrifice!

• Natural Evil: It’s okay, because once the floodwaters recede, a whole sh–tload of red ferns will grow there.

• Gawdamn! Evil: The wolverine that viciously gnawed off your nipples will inspire the creation of “pro-nipplers,” a quasi-erotic faction of the so-called “pro-life” movement. However bizarre, God’s plan moves ever onward!

Suffering: God’s “Faith Test”

• Evil Evil: The government has stuffed you into a train barreling towards a “work camp.” Rumors of gas chambers abound, and you haven’t been able to contact your family for weeks. Hey, God might be testing your faith! Just keep repeating to yourself: “This is just a test, this is just a test, this is just a test.” Everything will be okay…maybe.

• Natural Evil: Mudslides just buried your village. ¡Se bien! Perhaps Dios is testing how much evil erosion the holy hillsides could withstand.

• Gawdamn! Evil: In the Bible, God tested Job’s faith ‘til all his crops were burned, he had sores all over his body, and his children were all killed. He never called God out, passing the test. He had ten more kids, crops came back, and the sores disappeared – but, as God intended, the scars on his balls never healed.

Afterlife: What Goes Around Comes Around…After You Die

• Evil Evil: Murderers, rapists, and unicycle riders will suffer after they die, burning in hell for all eternity. Too little too late? Gee, thanks, our Supreme-ish God.

• Natural Evil: Sure, an earthquake might kill dozens of thousands of people, but those people will go to heaven! Unless, of course, they were in the middle of an Evil Evil act, in which case they’d burn in hell. Either way, God has promised that those poor souls who suffocate or starve to death beneath collapsed apartment rubble will, upon entering heaven, automatically receive iridescent angel wing and platinum harp upgrades, both of which usually take thousands of years spent sweeping streets of gold to earn.

• Gawdamn! Evil: Full disclosure: In 1996, I was raped by a particularly large and violent wave in Destin, Florida. My only solace is that the wave will evaporate in hell’s flames for all eternity, and I, sitting at the right hand of God, will get my AV back – my repaired sphincter like a hairy, backside halo.

Karma & Reincarnation: Justice = Another Life Based on Your Last Life?

• Evil Evil: Ever purchased anything labeled “Made in Poor-Ass Country”? From computer chips to toy trinkets and taint-warmers, most products we buy are made overseas by thirteen-year-old girls, who are both chained to their workstations and forced to work until their fingers are bloody nubs. Expect the overwhelming majority of United Staters to be reborn as sweatshop workers or peasant farmers, no doubt wishing they could immigrate (back) to the United States. How hard could it be to cross the Rio Grande?

• Natural Evil: Grow up in Siberia or London? Don’t be upset, friend – you’ll be reborn in the Bahamas.

• Gawdamn! Evil: If you lived your life as a Republican strategist, then you’ll probably return as a parasitic anal worm and the scat-munching cycle will continue.

God Lacks Omnipotence, Omniscience, or Betaintevolence: We’ve Been Misinformed

• Evil Evil: And God said, “My bad.”

• Natural Evil: Massive hurricanes, shifting tectonic plates, tornadoes, tsunamis, small arachnids in water spouts, landslides and mudslides, avalanches, melting ice caps and rising sea levels, hailstorms, ice storms, sinkholes, forest fires, lahars, heat waves, droughts… It seems as if God suffers from omimpotence.

• Gawdamn! Evil: It’s impossible to prepare for ice ages, supervolcanoes, huge solar flares, gigantic meteors crashing into the ocean (better “learn to swim,” as they say), or the day some jerkoff decides to use thermonuclear weapons. Gawdamn, extinction will be a bitch!

After this exhausting theodicy, I’ve come to this conclusion: God may or may not exist (probably not), but if S/He does, S/He’s one sick mofo, because, well, take a f–king look around! Mr. Show reruns were eventually aired on cable TV, but it doesn’t change the fact that it was cancelled in the first place. Also, the world is filled with disease, famine, perpetual pain, war, taintlessness, overpopulation, resource shortages, and is struck by one devastating natural disaster after another. Ironically, the world also includes obesity, reality TV that fails to depict reality, a dominant economic system that inherently concentrates more and more wealth in fewer people’s hands, and national borders that have been drawn and perpetuated by generations of elites to further their grip on power and thwart the formation of the shared global identity needed to create a truly free, democratic, and just world. So yeah, thanks, “God.” If omniscience and omnipotence are traits you’re pimpin’, you do indeed work in cruel and mysterious ways.

recreational xanax

2007-01-09T18:43:00.000-04:00

A couple days ago I was getting ready to leave my apartment and had the nagging feeling like I was forgetting something. I finally said "fuck it" and made for the door. I was halfway to the subway before I realized it was the Xanax I'd forgotten. There was a brief instant in which I considered going back to get 'em, but then told myself: "If it's recreational Xanax you've forgotten, then you probably don't need recreational Xanax."

Today a co-worker had a copy of InStyle magazine, replete with photos of celebrities. Which celebs might be pregnant, what they did for New Years, who's feuding with whom and where they're vacationing, etc. I wanted to vomit blood.

Can't wait for Bush's new policy on Iraq... I don't think demanding a "presidential do-over" counts as a new policy, but we'll see.

In the Ghetto (in the ghettoooo)

2006-12-16T02:35:00.000-04:00

Sounds like it's once again domestic-violence night on my block here in Bushwick, Brooklyn. Sunday nights have typically been the "Cops: Should We Call 'Em or Not?" nights here, but this Friday night is giving the Lord's Day a run for its money.