service industry, shmervice industry

I was carrying a rack of glasses down the stairs at one of my two jobs when I slipped and fell. I tumbled forward, using the glass rack to break my fall. Not one glass broke-- had there not been rubber grips on the floor I would've had shards all up in my grill, no doubt. Anyway, I ended up twisting my back at an awkward angle as my chest hit the rack and the rest of my body crashed into the ground. I filled out an incident report, but not before bringing some rich baller more raw bar condiments. I'm about sick of the service industry, six sometimes seven days a week.

And now? Well-expired pain pills and red wine. They go together like organic skim milk and SmartStart cereal. Like... French fries and spicy mayo. Like internet porn and a crunchy gym sock. Wait, no, that's not right.

From the front lines:

Customer: Do you have more bread?
Me: Yes, yes we do. [extended pause] Oh, you'd like me to bring you some more bread. Rrright.
***
Customer Who Hasn't Even Opened the Menu: What would you recommend here?
Me: I recommend maybe taking a look at your menu before asking me any questions.
***

Customer: Could I get that cappucino with half-whole, half-skim milk?
Me: Sure. I'll bring some water for you, as well. Is half-bottled, half-tap water OK?
***

Customer Who Doesn't Like Ice Water: This water... [pointing] this water has ice.
Me: Yes, yes it does.
Customer: [continues pointing, jabs finger at the glass]
Me: Yep, that's ice all right.
Other Customer at Table: I don't think she wants ice.
Me: [returning with a glass of water, no ice] This water... [pointing] this water has no ice.
***

Me: Hello, how are you doing this afternoon?
Customer: I'll take a Diet Coke.
Me: Oh, I'm fine, too, thanks! Just enjoying the beautiful wea-- wait, what was that?
***

Me: Hello, how are you doing this afternoon?
Customer: I'm doing well, thanks. How are you?
Me: I'm doing all right, doing OK.
Customer: That's fantastic.
Me: No, it's really just OK. Not really fantastic, per se.
Customer: Oh... that's tragic.
Me: Tragic? No, stop it! I'm seriously right in the middle on this one.
***

Me: So, can I bring y'all something to drink while you look over the menus?
Customer: I'll take the steak sandwich.
Me: Hmm, never heard of that before... you want start with a steak sandwich to drink while you look over the menu? I guess I could ask the chef to put it in a blender...
Customer: No, no-- I mean I want a steak sandwich to eat.
Me: Oh, right. So, can I bring y'all something to drink while you look over the menus?
***
Customer: So, do you deliver?
Me: No, I'm just a server here.
Customer: No, I mean...
Me: I suppose when I run food out the table, it's a bit like a "delivery" of sorts.
Customer: No, the restaurant. Do you guys deliver?
Me: Rrright.
***
Customer: How long have you been here?
Me: Since 10 A.M.
Customer: I mean the restaurant.
***
Customer: What salads do y'all have?
Me: Just the ones listed on the menu.
Customer: Oh, sorry.
Me: I forgive you.